Generations of school children in South East England have experienced the rite of passage seeing one of the shows at the London Planetarium.
According to an article in today’s Independent, that’s all to change.
No longer will you be able to journey into deep space at the attraction alongside Madame Tussauds. Apparently star shows aren’t popular anymore. People would rather journey “around the worlds of fame and celebrity” instead.
I’ll tell you why nobody bothers to visit the Planetarium anymore: because the shows are rubbish. Audiences are spoken down to, as if they didn’t know what a planet or the Sun actually were. Bring back a bit more content and the visitors will return.
To be honest, this has been on the cards for sometime. Ever since Tussauds dumped the world famous star projector in the middle of Alton Towers as a bit of ride scenery, it was obvious the days of the serious Planetarium were numbered.
New Year�s Eve � mankind�s obsession with time once again rears its head, unless you�re Chinese of course in which case you�ve got a few more weeks of the old year left before you have to give up smoking, go on a diet and join a gym for three or four days.
So what�s a boy to do at this junction between past and future, where destiny and eternity collide in some souped-up nano-metric partitron accelertronic munching machine? Well, clearly from the perfuse usage of tautologous verbalisms, he�s not feeling quite himself. Must be the off-season. A cure for off-season blues? A fair. Or an affair. But in this case, a fair.
That then was the plan. I�d meet up with Paul and Richard in London for a visit to London�s Fair on New Year�s Eve in Hyde Park.
Before the fun of the fair began, however, we needed to bring down the excitement levels somewhat, so after meeting at Waterloo we took the tube to Baker Street. Nay, not because any of our great aunt�s step-father�s inheritance had disappeared and we needed a top fictional private investigator and doctor duo to investigate. Our plans were more glorious than that. We were going to see the Queen. 
And Diana. And President Bush. And Tony Blair. And Saddam Hussein, Henry VIII, David Beckham, Kylie, Marilyn Monroe, Alfred Hitchcock, Michael Jackson, TPT, Michael Caine, etc., etc. Yes, we were going to Madame Tussaud�s palace of wonder and wax.
It�s been a few months since I last visited, sorry, queued through, Madame T�s. Bits and pieces of the attraction are constantly changing � notable this time were the Christmas Nativity and the X-Factor stage � but the whole place needs drastic re-working to cope with the seemingly ever-increasing crowds.
I�m pretty sure the Chamber of Horrors has been juggled around, with Chamber Live being extended. It�s getting less rather than more scary though. I remember the days where the actors would properly interact with you, one of the most memorable being the woman with the dead baby screaming �my baby, my baby� who would chat if you engaged her. Now the actors just stand, stare and occasionally squawk and jump out at you. Come on MT, remove the �actors will not touch you� restriction. Make it proper spine-chilling.
Spirit of London was its usual self, made more interesting by doing it twice in succession (our slightly sarcastic over-enthusiasm upon disembarking led to us being told about a secret passageway allowing access back to the ride entrance). If that was not enough entertainment, Paul & I managed to listen to the soundtrack in German. Twice. Es war sehr informativ.
Tussauds sometimes get a lot of stick, but they do get some things right. When they ordered their new stationery and coffee from Viking, they obviously got a dictionary as a free gift. This has allowed them to look up the word �planetarium� and see that it means a building housing an optical device for projecting images of celestial bodies and other astronomical phenomena onto a domed ceiling, rather than either a cinema for showing films on the ceiling forcing audiences to look up and get neck ache, or a cheaply produced stage show with dodgy actors pretending to be ancient warriors who (the audience is told) shouldn�t really fight anyway because it�s naughty.
Yes, a space-related show is back. Don�t expect anything too advanced though. Rather than the 30 minute edutainment shows of old, this is barely a ten minute tour through the solar system and then out into the universe on a Journey to Infinity. The new DigiStar 3 logo at the beginning is impressive though.
Overall, Madame Tussaud�s has become a place where entertainment for simpletons is placed just below the chance to make a quick buck by ripping off tourists with overpriced cameras and confectionary at every turn. Gone, at least for now, are the days where the displays were pitched above the lowest common denominator. The historical figures � once the staple of the attraction � now sit awkwardly alongside Kylie�s bum and Simon Cowell�s criticisms. It�s true that in these celebrity-obsessed times people expect more than simple waxwork figures and Madame Tussaud�s must reinvent itself to stay viable. That, though, doesn�t necessarily have to come at the cost of its heritage and reputation well earned over the last two centuries.
Exiting the rapidly melting wax house, we made our way on foot to the Marble Arch end of Hyde Park via a quick stop off for lunch. Why walk? Bob Crow and his crazy gang decided they wanted some time off to celebrate the New Year. Rather than just taking a day�s paid holiday, they decided it would be even better to complain about the lousiness of the deal they struck with London Underground this time last year so they could go out on strike, bringing the whole tube network to a halt. As we�ll see later though, (insert your desired adjective to describe the RMT leader here) Mr Crow didn�t plan his disruption very well, meaning it didn�t have anywhere near the effect it should have.
In late December 1999, The Mall became the venue for a fair to welcome in the new millennium, a year early depending on your view as to when it actually began. The fair was run by Big Time Events Ltd, a consortium of three of the UK�s major operators (Joseph Manning, George Irvin and Willie Wilson) set up especially for the occasion. This Christmas Big Time Events was back, this time in partnership with the Royal Parks operating London�s Fair on North Carriage Drive in Hyde Park.
Those who know the area will know the quaint little network of subways under Marble Arch well. Ok, so quaint isn�t the right word. Dirty, smelly and dangerous may be more appropriate. Therefore, seeing big yellow signs directing you to London�s Fair via a �safe pedestrian route� were a welcome sight, the three of us not wanting to be mugged before the ride ops relieved us of our coinage.
Actually, price-wise the fair was extremely reasonable. Most rides were �2-2.50, with only the low-capacity booster at �5 (about the price you�d pay for a quickie on the carousel down our way). (Don�t be rude, I saw that smirk).
Our first destination was Abe Danter�s Wild Mouse. As far as I could make out, this is a standard Reverchon Compact Spinning Coaster, albeit propped up on some rather slim and high piles of wood. After a sluggish start, when the car unlocked it spun with vigour more akin to a waltzer than a coaster. Whhheeeeeeeee�..
Realising that we probably should have been a little more careful in the timing of our lunch arrangements, we elected to walk the length of the fair to see what else was on offer. We ended up down near Lancaster Gate with the Booster towering high above. Richard said was keen to ride, but Paul and I were definitely going nowhere near. We decided to go back later for Richard to have a go, but somehow he managed to forget ;-).
Next to the booster was something much more appropriate: Dragon. Modelled on the fire-breathing beast of ye olde legend, it was certainly a formidable ride for the uninitiated. Fortunately, we�d all ridden something similar earlier in the year at Flamingo Land. Pitying these three poor misguided adults approaching his pay kiosk, the ride op let us on for free.
Making our way back up towards Marble Arch, next up for the taking was that traditional funfair attraction, the Ghost Train. That was an over-optimistic description of this ride though. �Train ride through pitch blackness while your head is brushed by somebody�s washing and then encountering a solitary model that lit up until you were close enough to see it at which point its light was extinguished� would have been more appropriate. Eternally missable, meaning all so-called scary experiences of the day were a let down (being the ghost train, Chamber Live and the walk through the wee-smelling maze of subways under Marble Arch).
Feeling that our digestive systems had probably had enough time to recover by that point, we naively ventured onto a superbob ride with no discernable name, its outer shell instead covered with warning signs about the dangers of not sitting properly and the management�s reluctance to take responsibility for any injuries sustained by riders. Oh, and no refunds.
After riding it, I can think of a good name: Extreme Pain. Unwisely, Paul and I shared a car, resulting in me spending the ride attempting to avoid being crushed whilst Paul almost pulled his arms from their sockets trying to stop himself flying into me/out of the car.
We unwittingly once again became human adverts on Bob Wilson�s Superbowl: we were the only ones riding and made one heck of a noise, resulting in a rather long ride cycle to the point where boredom set in. 
There�s only so much fun you can have pretending to be an American football.
Paul declined the opportunity to ride Move It. Not much liking the ride myself, I wasn�t too sure about riding either. Richard used his Jedi mind tricks on me though, forcing me to walk on without even realising what I was doing. As a change to Richard�s usual �come on you�ll like it�-style ride picks (ahem, Pandemonium, ahem), it turned out not to be too bad.
Dance Crazy (Jason Price�s Crazy Frog) was cool, the Midnight Express matterhorn was not. It was old and creaky. Then again, as we were leaving the fair it looked like it had begun to run well, throwing the cars out horizontally. Too bad we just got the kiddie-ride chugging around mode.
We saved the best for last: Chaos. I love Afterburners and, after first riding Chaos in Cardiff in August I was looking forward to some repeat rides in London. Chaos delivered again, its mad variety of swing and spin offering plenty of Gs and airtime. The only thing letting it down was the short ride cycle, vastly reduced from the summer.
As the sun set on the last day of 2005 (aww, how poetic), we made our way back to Waterloo and our trains home. Due to the aforementioned (insert random insult if desired) Bob Crow�s men in tights, we had to walk most of the way after being informed by a staff member at Hyde Park Corner that trains were running but not stopping at all stations, so it was a risk whether we�d be able to get off anything we got on. As it turned out, he was talking out of the terminal portion of his large intestine. After checking the list of closed stations and finding no more than a handful of important ones (none of which were out of walking distance from another anyway), we caught a tube from Westminster without any problems. [marvin]Yes, I know. Westminster. Don�t say it would have been quicker to walk. That�s what I said. But nobody listens to me. Here I am, brain the size of a planet…[/marvin]
So I managed to extend this year�s coaster riding season right to the end of the year in some excellent company. And it has been a very good coaster-riding year too. The next one begins in a few days, in yet more excellent company!
Trip photos are available here