James Salter

Apostrophe Rage

Wow, look - James has written a post!

That’s not all I’ve been writing. Take look at the trip reports from last weekend’s ECC AGM and a Sunday morning trip to Chessington.

What Crap is This?

Tiger poo, that’s what.

For most people, other vareties in the product range are flushed as quickly as possible or kicked under a bush after doggy production in the local park, but tiger poo seems much more valuable.

Chessington World of Adventures are currently auctioning a year’s supply of tiger doo doo in aid of the NSPCC.

You may be wondering why anybody would want 12 months of feline faeces clogging up their driveway, but it seems it is big business - bidding has so far reached �241. If it fails as a theme park, I think Chessington have found a new niche to explore further.

So if you want some dung (produced to order in 12 monthly packages, collection only), get in there quick.

An interesting and unique souvenir of your visit to perfectly capture your day perhaps? Or hopefully not.

The Missing Monkey and the Virile Sealion

Chessington Zoo has made the news twice so far this week, with both a happy and a sad story:

First up, Spongebob the Squirrel monkey has been “stolen”. Apparently keepers noticed two damaged fences and found the other nine monkeys either in or near their enclosure. Spongebob, however, was nowhere to be seen.

Various news outlets are claiming he was stolen, although I’m not sure how they reach that conclusion from the evidence available. What’s to say a couple of Chessington’s “guests” didn’t trash the fence and Spongebob happened to go walkabout a little while later? Maybe he went off to M&S to buy some more pants - apparently they are the only major retailer who offer the equal sided orthogonal variety.

In happier news, Boris has been at it again, fathering two more pups and ensuring he holds on to his crown. Oh, so many possibilities for alliteration: Bonking Boris, Sexiest Sealion … and some less savoury offerings too.

Sh… nah.

Happy 75th Birthday Chessington Zoo

Chessington Zoo is 75 years old this year. Chessington World of Adventures (as it is now) have done a few bits and pieces to celebrate the event.

Sign over the Main Entrance Continue reading ‘Happy 75th Birthday Chessington Zoo’

Under New Management

Five months to the day plus one, I was invited for a return visit to the fizzy pop factory on Saturday. There have been some changes!

Professor Burp, the factory’s previous owner, has gone. Nobody will talk about him - it’s as if he never existed. I wonder if it was something to do with the scandal involving him riding a bike through the factory with no clothes on.

The manufacturing process has also been modified. You wouldn’t have thought making fizzy pop had many similarities to making soap, but you’d be wrong. The factory is now exclusively licenced to produce Imperial Leather products.

Entering the station for our boat tour, I immediately noticed a strange smell. It’s a weird combination of soap and fruit: a mixture of old and new.

The station posters have been changed and an attempt to make it look underwater has been made. I said an attempt. I didn’t say it was successful. In fact, it just makes the previously colourful room look dull.

Our boat tour itself was a massive disappointment. Gone is the innuendo and copious quantity of puns. Gone too is a lot of the old scenery. That which has been kept really doesn’t make sense. Cows make milkshake, not bubbles. Ducks may ride rollercoasters, but they do not run on rollercoaster track themselves.Bubbles are everywhere (although most of them look like scoops of ice cream). Ducks make their mark too - not carefully handcrafted ducks either. Oh no, these are off the shelf. As if to prove it, you can buy them in the shop at the end of your tour.

Most of the old music has been retained but has had random duck quacks added. Unfortuanately it hasn’t been edited properly resulting in jumps and bits of silence, most notably in the former fairground scene.

The life really has been sucked out of the factory. The place is now so sterile it could easily be a hospital. Looking for jokes? That train (boat) don’t stop here anymore.

One thing that hasn’t been changed too much is the classic fountain finale, although Professor Burp has been replaced by three men sitting in a bath tub. In the interests of the family audience, I won’t discuss that any further.

Elsewhere in Transylvania, the Vampire station’s restoration to its former glory continues. This year, the station lighting has been returned to green from the funky disco colours of last year.

A new squirrel monkey enclosure is being constructed. If things go to plan then guests will be able to walk into this and experience the monkeys up close. If things don’t go to plan, guests will be able to visit the medical centre with blood gushing from their monkey-bite-ridden-fingers. The five year plan is still to open up the field at the back of the zoo and turn it into a safari trail. Staff are hoping to reintroduce some of the larger animals into this space, so it may not be long before the rhinos return.In “celebration” of the new Bubbleworks, the park was going bubble-crazy. The magical bubbleman was creating huge bubbles over the Dragons Fury queueline mid-afternoon and there was a foam party for under-12s on the lawn in front of the Burnt Stub.

Bubbleworks aside, the start of the season at Chessington is still a disappointment. A lot of money is being invested in the zoo (�80,000 was spent on a single enclosure for example), but there’s not much evidence of spending elsewhere. This time last year the park looked fantastic. This year, it looks like it’s barely survived a huge winter storm. Does anybody have any spare paintbrushes to help them out?
Wait a minute - is this where the money’s going? It’s not where the monkey’s going and that’s for sure.Wahey! A whole Bubbleworks report and no duck puns to quack you up!

Chessington’s online

Following up from a few days ago, Chessington’s 2006 website is now online.

It’s following along similar lines to Thorpe’s - looks good.

There’s a blog which looks like it could be interesting reading. Just don’t expect it to be like Cedar Point’s or Holiday World’s.